letting go

at the start of the summer i felt like i was looking down a long dark tunnel. i had gotten into a nice rhythm with the kids, mostly revolving around bee's school schedule. two mornings at school, one morning play date, grocery shopping another day and ballet on friday. the week was shaped by all these things that would be ending or at least losing their structure. i wondered how i would make it through three months with no real plan. i like a plan.

but we joined the y, and there were those weeks of swimming lessons. we saw friends, we went to maine and planned henny's birthday. the time actually flew and many, many days i felt like there wasn't enough time in the day. it was a good feeling. 

somewhere along the way i lost the feeling of wishing that i had bee's school as part of our week. in fact, i started dreading the start of school. i know, i'm crazy. we were having so much fun and having so many quality experiences. learning to swim, berry picking, bike riding, lazy walks through the neighborhood, gardening and cooking up all the local goodness. time flew.

i thought that bee's school started on the 3rd and i have been quietly dreading next week. then today i got a bunch of stuff in the mail from the school and it turns out that the whole school starts on the 3rd, but the preschool doesn't start until the next week. i can't tell you how relieved and excited i was to have that extra week. i wouldn't mind if they sent a letter saying it would be another month. 

i am loving spending time with my almost 4 year old. she is so fun. i hardly ever feel like i need a break from her, beside my 30 minutes to make dinner. i would be happy to spend every day with her. sometimes i even fantasize about sleeping with her at night. i feel like i'm really in love with her right now. this age, it's magical.

but it's not just that that has me wishing school would be delayed. it's the same feeling that i had last year when bee started nursery school. i thought it would go away, but i'm starting to realize that this feeling with morph and change, but always be there, as long as i'm a mother. forever. it's that separation. knowing that bee will have experiences that i won't be part of. she will have successes that i won't know the gravity of. she will experience pain that i won't be able to soothe. that's the thing that kills me.

today at the grocery store there was this little boy, maybe 5, who was being mean to bee. i don't know what his problem was but every time we passed him he would make a really mean face right at bee and say something mean like "go home!" or "get out!" she looked flat-out stunned by this random mean boy. i could tell that it bothered her so i asked he what was up with that kid. we briefly chatted about how he must be grumpy but that that wasn't nice at all. after the second time bee seemed sort of hurt. i tried to brush it off by saying that he was bring mean. bee suddenly puffed up with bravery and said, "i'm going to go throw him in the garbage!" now, i know this is not nice, but come on! this kid was being so mean! i was proud that she wasn't just taking it. 

the thing that got me thinking was that if this sort of thing happens at school, who will she turn to. these sort of mild acts of meanness would probably go unnoticed by a teacher and it may not be memorable enough to bring up at the dinner table. i just hate to think that i wouldn't be there to quickly process it and help her move on. 

i know bee will be fine. she is so capable and so much bigger that the almost 3 year old that i kissed good-bye at nursery school last year. maybe it's just me who has some more developing to do.