on nursing

somehow in the last few weeks henny has drastically cut back on his nursing. it has really surprised me and left me feeling occasionally sad. my experience as a nursing mom has been full of so many emotions and good memories that it is really overwhelming to see the end of my nursing days closer than i thought.

when i had bee i was more nervous about nursing than even labor and birth. the idea just made me squeamish. i think it had a lot to do with feeling this societal ideal of breasts-for-sex and that didn't mesh at all with thinking of someone sucking on my boob day and night. i knew i wanted to nurse and that it was best. i took the class, bought the books, but still was nervous. i told myself that i would try for 3 or maybe 6 months. in the end we made it to 15 months, very happily and healthfully. 

once everything clicked and bee and i were deep in a strong nursing relationship, it was amazing. she was a furious nurser. 45 minute sessions, nursing for comfort and wanting to eat 20 minutes after finishing a meal, it was all part of my life. i identified strongly as a nursing mother and really considered it part of my identity at the time. i would bravely nurse in situations where i knew it would raise eyebrows, partly out of necessity and partly as a "fuck you" to anyone who would dare care. 

bee never had a drop of formula.  while i would never judge someone for feeding their baby formula, i was so internally proud that my body could provide all my baby needed. the whole process was so natural and so powerful for me. 

when bee turned one we started giving her some cow's milk. she took to it ok, but also started to expand her diet. she was eating more and more during the day and around 13 or 14 months i started to think about weaning. i knew that we wanted to try to have another baby at some point and i thought it would feel good to have a bit of time to have my body to myself. i started by cutting out a few seemingly unnecessary feedings, like the 30 seconds after a nap. soon i cut out before nap and before i knew it bee was only nursing a few times a day. she really didn't seem to notice and was asking for snacks more than booby milk. it just felt right. so, at 15 months D took her out to the dining room for breakfast instead of to me for milk and that was that.

now that henny is almost that age i cannot believe that i stopped nursing then. henny seems so young and knowing that he will be my last baby, i just want to keep him a baby. but the fact is that henny has never really been a boob man. even as a newborn he nursed wonderfully but not with the same passion that bee had. he would nurse for 5 minutes or so, just long enough to fill his belly, and then move on. he didn't linger at the boob like bee did and he never nursed for comfort. from a very early age henny sucked his middle fingers for comfort. that combined with his chill attitude and he really didn't ever need any extra forms of comfort. 

after henny's tiny baby days were past, he settled into a strong schedule of nursing. morning, before nap, after nap, before 2nd nap, after 2nd nap and night, that was it. there were of course extras here and there but he usually didn't seem to want or need more. he never asked for milk even though he knew where it was and would pull at my shirt when i would ask, "where's you're milk?"

so a few weeks ago i tried to nurse henny before a nap and he refused. i thought he was just really tired so i laid him down. but it happened again and again. he pretty much refused to nurse during the day. at some point i stopped trying. 

and so now henny nurses when he wakes up and at night. that's it. i nursed him at the y the other day when he was particularly fussy but that was really rare with our new schedule.

i feel so different about weaning this time around. maybe it's because it doesn't seem to be on my terms. i always half-thought that when people said that their kids "weaned themselves" that they were stretching the truth. but now i see that it is possible. sad but true. i feel like i want to hang on to these last weeks or maybe months of nursing. i know that the end will come but i'm not ready yet. i still want henny to need me in a way that nobody else can provide, especially now that he doesn't seem to need it so much. nursing will always be a hugely special time for me and some truly deep and strong memories. i'm just not ready for it to be a memory, at least not just yet.