happy birthday bee, or the day that almost killed me

today was bee's fourth birthday.

it was also her first day at a new school.

i'll begin with the obligatory first-day-of-school picture and also note that the day went fantastically. no crying, lots of sharing of fun activities and experiences and the promise that they "will do much more fun stuff tomorrow."

bee went to school two mornings a week last year, so we are not new at this. but somehow i don't think it will ever get easy. especially when we are so blessed to be able to spend a long three summer months together doing whatever the hell we please. walking out of the classroom i felt like i had forgotten something. so empty. i know it will get better and i will relish the school time because i will be free to do more and be appreciative of the time we have together. but for now, i'm adjusting.

however, i didn't have too long to dwell on the new-school feelings because i had a birthday to make special! i had a cake to decorate! a house to clean! a salad to make! last minutes errands to do!

right now i feel grouchy about the whole birthday. it was great, but i am exhausted. it has been a long stretch of birthday planning and execution for us. it has all gone great but it's enough by now. that's how i'm feeling. i think part of it is also that my heart just can't take it all. dropping my little girl off at school after this long glorious summer, knowing that this is it, it's over? quietly meditating on where i was four years ago, bringing this sweet girl into the world? trying to make this a special day and watching the joy in bee's eyes at what we created for her? it's all too much!

putting my bad attitude aside, i have to say that i am so happy to have a four year old. i feel like bee seemed older to me today. when she woke up she didn't yell for me like she has for 4 years, she just got up and browsed some books. imagine that! and as we strolled down the street this afternoon with our respective babies in our strollers, she chatted with me on and on like a little person. she has so much to say and i want to hear it all. she could tell me about how her toenail polish is chipping off and i'd be rapt. her imagination is deep and i love when i can dive in and try to see what she sees. 

i look at bee's almost 7 year old cousin and i know that this time is fleeting. soon she will be checking out what the other girls are wearing and worrying about homework. i love this time with all my heart. i know four is going to be great. 

happy birthday bee!