beyond dazed but still confused

last night D and i spent a portion of our saturday night in front of the tv with a tempting spread of treats in front of us. in between bites of burritos, cookies and sips of wine we indulged in some free on demand that we do not pay for but yet it magically appears (and disappears) onto our screen. last night we stumbled upon a classic of our day, dazed and confused. i think we have probably seen this movie a combined one million times. randomly on cable, back in the day in someone's living room through a haze, in dorm rooms. 

but last night it was different. we still laughed our asses off at lines like  "that's what I like about these high school girls, man; i get older, they stay the same age." but in between the laughs we were also doing a lot of discussing. it struck me that our conversation went one of two ways. 

first we reminisced about various adventures other nonsense that we had experienced when we were younger. we laughed about what it might have been like to be free and doing all the naughty things in the seventies, and how the movie makes it all look so fun.

then the next minute we would be saying, "do you think bee will have a party if we go away someday?" and "imagine if she did how cool henny and his friends will think that is." 

here we are in this place where we are not going to drive around looking for something to do, or spend our nights drinking beer and smoking joints. and still we are not at a place where we know what it would be like to have teenage kids, although we can imagine. 

alternately i feel like i could be in either place. i feel like some part of me could be driving somewhere with the radio cranked up, a bottle of reunite ready to be cracked. i feel like that person is still part of me. 

but then i feel like i could be the mother, who is sitting at home waiting for that door to open and her baby to come home. i don't know what that will truly feel like but i can vividly imagine it. 

someday the feeling of that free, wild girl will become more faded and i will be more mom than anything. i hope that i can always hold on to a piece of her, reserved for nights when we have a babysitter, or after the kids are in bed and we are enjoying our "adults only" time and maybe even someday when *gasp* the kids are grown.

this is what i think about.