tapped out

things have gone a bit haywire around here. we maintain a fragile balance most days, which even so sometimes ends up with a mama muttering "i can't take this!". but the balance has been tipped mainly because of the fact that both of my grandmothers are currently in the hospital. the SAME hospital! unfuckingbelievable. for real. 

two glasses of wine and two children sleeping later, i am beginning to decompress and process the whole thing. 

one grandmother is getting more well and the other is more troubling.

i feel very stressed about the whole situation but the feeling that i keep coming back to is sort of strange. i feel like i don't deserve to have this effect my mood and my attitude. my poor parents have spent every minute this week dealing with doctors, eating hospital food, sleeping in chairs, tending to sick mothers, calling relatives and more that i can't even imagine. they have not had the luxury of giggling with a baby or going out for ice cream with a very thankful little girl, like i have. i feel guilty feeling sad or mad or stressed, knowing what they are going through.

but i am sad and mad and stressed. these women are my last two grandparents. and they are both laying in hospital beds right now. it is some kind of crazy coincidence, something that i never would have expected and almost can't even process.

on top of everything, we are headed off on a pre-planned weekend trip. great timing. 

so here i am spreading cream cheese and jelly to be eaten in the car and fielding phone calls about medical tests and other news and feeling very conflicted and heady.

thank god for wine. 

wish me luck.